City of Lite

Friends, Colleagues, Members of the Society for the Study of Stuffed Wildlife,

Not long ago I presented my findings on the stuffed bear populations of Budapest and Vienna. I argued that stuffed wildlife can teach us much about a nation’s character and history. The smug, bouregois bears of Vienna:



contrast sharply with the traumatized soldier bears of Budapest:



On my recent scientific expedition to Paris I discovered stunning new proof of my theory. Gentlemen, I ask you, could a deer be more French?


This deer clearly belongs to a great nation of lovers, of courtesans, of fabled beauties. But beneath the deer’s allure lurks a mystery. How did it get so slim? Why is it so much lighter than the robust bears of Vienna and Budapest? Could Americans benefit from its diet secrets? I had to find out.

Gnetlemen, I set out to study this deer’s diet and discovered...a conspiracy. I will spare you the details, passing over the car chase, the race through the sewers, the leap off the Eiffel Tower, and my discovery of the true tomb of Mary Magdalene. At journey’s end, I finally understood the horrifying reason why French Women Don't Get Fat. The French government, obsessed with keeping its reputation for slimness, is destroying its pâtes, its chocolate croissants, and its tarte tatins, and replacing them with a brave new food… genetically engineered…guaranteed to scare citizens skinny … Le Diét Mùtânt Française!





Those that can't stop snacking are punished...


Devoured by their own picnic blankets! Not even the buildings are safe:


We can’t be sure, but I’d guess this maison had one crêpe too many. Gentleman, no one could deny that Paris is beautiful. But at what price?